Denial

For so many years of my life I haven't believed I could be a runner. It was something beyond "it's just not in me" to something I fundamentally believed inside of myself. Excuses, like vultures, circled around it. Asthma...weight...time...shoes...knees...weight...asthma...you name it.

Then I started running. And with time I've come to understand that I can be a runner.

I don't go far. I don't go fast. But I run. Does it still count?

Last month on NPR I heard an author talking about his new book - on running. I had kids running around my feet so I could not really pay much attention but I did catch the title:

Born to Run

I placed a hold at the library - and for the last week have been devoring this book whenever I can sneak in time. It is a phenomenal book full of tales from running present to past. The main theme of the book - we were born to run

The author, Christopher McDougall, centers the tale around his glimpse into the ultramarathon running world, especially that of the Tarahumara in Mexico.

It has given me such food for thought. It has renewed my passion to continue this sport. And it gives me power.

Last night my little family of four ventured out on our second "family run night". RunMan usually runs at night and I typically run in the morning - that way we both get our run time in without missing out on other activities. Last Tuesday we went for a run together at night and agreed we needed to make it a habit. At about mile 1.5 I was tired. Mostly because I was dreading another 1.5 miles back. RunMan had to do four miles that night so I slowed down and flipped around - pushing the boys in the jogger that we call a "baler". (think hay baler...that is where the boys got the name)

The boys kept taking turns hopping in and out for short bouts of running. When RunMan caught up with us RunKid, my five year-old, gladly hopped out and took off with him. SwimKid, my three year-old who is a natural born swimmer, was content to stay in the baler.

Their energy and excitement helped me forget the last 1.5 miles and we made it home.

But last night? Last night was different. Again RunMan needed to do 4 miles. This time I didn't hesitate to join him. All because of one thing I read in the book that Dr. Dennis Bramble (go Utes!) said:

"Just move your legs. Because if you don't think you were born to run, you're not only denying history. You're denying who you are."

I started my run with that mantra. And I finished my first four-miler feeling like I had at least another one in me. The kids both ran about a mile each, following either their Dad or I as we pounded down the pavement.

As I ran, hand in hand with my children, I realized what a powerful event had occurred. For the boys as well - to see their parents running at night, laughing with each other, speeding up and slowing down to try and keep pace (RunMan and I run completely different natural speeds) with each other. They ran their best too. Always asking how many meters or miles they had run.

I walked in my house with my husband, my kids, and myself. Knowing exactly who I am. A runner.

AM PM

When I was little my Uncle would take us to AM/PM a lot. To be honest I'm not sure what we got...but at some point, in the back of his white Toyota pick-up truck my cousins, brothers and I took it upon ourselves to make up an AM/PM song. Maybe it was the mix of ages, the close space or the Slurpees we'd devored...but we thought it was hilarious and it stuck with us for years. Even now it pops into my mind. (AM, PM, it's a mini-market, flying through the sky...*)

AM/PM has been a mental theme of mine today. Why? Well for two reasons:

(1) I stopped there about thirty minutes ago.

and

(2) I need to make a decision about when to schedule my run time.

In my uber-productive day I missed my big note to myself to make bread. Being a gluten-free family means that we make our own bread. Let's clarify. I make it. And I use a bread mix. Nothing hard - but it does mean that I have to take some extra time to do it. So I cannot just get up in the morning and run to buy some.

Which leads me to the stop at AM/PM...to provide enough caffeine for me to make it from now until 1.5 hours from now when the bread will be done.

Once in the store I stood for a long time before pushing that Diet Coke button. See, Diet Coke and I are frenemies. I love to hate Diet Coke. And I hate that I love Diet Coke. Last year I quit it completely. Like any other addiction (yes, I am addicted) once I have a little I want it all the time.

And it plays with my body. I cannot sleep right at night. I get hot and sweaty at weird times in the day when temperature isn't a factor. The caffeine high makes me unbelievably tired at the wrong moments. Of course that just begins the cycle again...

Oh AM/PM what do I do? Should I fill up my cup?

Here's where the other issue comes in...

I really want to change my runs from PM to AM. Both RunMan and I have been running at night. On the plus side that means we stretch together and it's cooler outside. On the other hand the boys are in bed which means we run at different times and, like tonight, when RunMan has a long run he's getting home at 11:00pm.

What to do...what to do...

I pushed the button. I filled up my drink. And I've been sitting here drinking it. Even with all these things going on in my head I can't reject it.

The benefit to all this is clarity. I know I need to run in the mornings. I tend to be more productive (meaning earlier bread making sessions!) and my day starts off, literally, on the right foot. RunMan can then run earlier in the evening and we can actually have time.

The other truth from AM running is that I crave things less. I tend to be more aware of what I put in my body because I've spent the morning running. At night I feel less aware of my nutrition through the day because as long as it doesn't effect my running...I don't care.

In the meantime AM/PM...you and I are going to see less of each other. Much less.

*the song is lacking when in black/white. Next time you're around me, have me sing it. It still probably won't make sense because, well, those are all the lyrics.

Today's notes

Today was another day-off. I'm doing my best to focus on recouping these two ankles. As per Dr's orders I've rested, iced, compressed, and elevated. My left foot feels back to it's usual self and my right is still tender.

Rather than focus on not being able to run I've pushed my mind to better thoughts. Like Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or can't...you're right!" So...what can I do now?

- swim. My goal is to be in the pool every day the rest of this week. Work on my breathing and take some pressure off my joints.

- figure out the best bike route to RunKid's school. I must do this at night when it's only 90 degrees and without RunKid and SwimKid. The route will be easier to track w/o them and I can add their weight into the picture later when my feet are fit!

- look into a new background for this blog! I love the road but there is no easy way to read on this thing. Perhaps RunMan (aka hubby) can change some of the layout for me!!

- shoes. Face the inevitable. I need new shoes. Research this week. Purchase next week(?).